Q: Dear Lawn Coach,

I give up. I don’t have the time or energy to actually do this work myself. The problem is, there are about 150 lawn care people in my area here, and I have no idea how to pick a good one. What’s your advice on this?

-Jared P

Salt Lake City, UT

A: Hi Jared,

This is a great question that I’m sure many of my other readers also would love to ask. I actually know this because many of my other readers have already asked this question. You just got the distinct honor of being the one I responded to in national print. Don’t you feel honored?

Here’s some questions for you to ask the prospective companies. Just note their answers and compare them to the ones I’ve provided below the question. If they agree with my preferred answers, hire them!

How much fertilizer do you use?

1. A.Lots
   

2. B.Just enough to keep the grass healthy without encouraging excessive growth which could lead to a whole host of problems including increased disease development during the hotter Summer months.
   

3. C.How much do you want?
   

4. D.None. We prefer to sprinkle table sugar and sing songs to the grass to encourage happy lawns.
   

5. 
   

Correct Answer = B

What do you do to prevent diseases?

1. A.Spray lots of fungicides on a regular basis.
   

2. B.Wear a condom
   

3. C.Keep the fertility properly balanced while advising you on a good, healthy watering schedule as well as proper cultural practices to achieve thatch reduction and growth of good, indigenous species of grass.
   

4. D.Happy lawns don’t get diseases.
   

Correct Answer = C

What’s wrong with crabgrass?

1. A.Actually, nothing. It just has a bad name.
   

2. B.Crabs? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why? What did you hear?
   

3. C.It will die off each Fall after aggressively spreading in the Summertime. This leaves you with a whole bunch of dead patches that will make permanent lawn establishment very difficult.
   

4. D.It doesn’t taste very good.
   

Correct Answer = C

Does “Shade Seed” actually work in the shade?

1. A.It depends. Even the most shade tolerant grass varieties need a certain amount of daily sunlight. As long as it gets that minimum, it should be okay. If it’s too shady, even the best “shade seed” won’t make it.
   

2. B.Yep
   

3. C.Nope
   

4. D.Hey Mister, I can get grass to grow in a dark cave. Just sign here.
   

Correct Answer = A

What sort of background do your employees have?

1. A.I can let you know once I find a crew for this season.
   

2. B.Police reports can be misleading. There weren’t any eyewitnesses you know.
   

3. C.They’ve done stuff, I think.
   

4. D.Most of the crew has been with me for over three seasons. Every Winter, we all attend educational seminars to gain points for renewing our licenses, which we ALL have.
   

Correct Answer = Do I really need to tell you?

The moral of the story here is that some guys are true pros, and others are just weird, creepy, or well meaning but under-educated. Ask enough questions, and you should be able to tell the pros from the schmoes. If you don’t know how to interpret and answer (ie: sounded good, but you’re not sure of whether or not it actually is good), just write me an email. I’ll be happy to let you know. Good luck Jared!